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The 2012 ARIA Awards

This year we're taking a stand. We're standing up for music journalism. We're not turning our backs on our audience like Royal Headache guitarists, nor are we obsessively drawing lines in the sand like Dazza Braithwaite — the true prince of the Australian Music Industry — as he playfully skips alongside the Nowra coastline in search of his long lost stallion and a pair of pants.

Speaking of Braithwaite, his daughter Nat "My Back, My Sack, My Moot and My Crack" Waite off international insignificant pop troupe, The Rogue Traders, is hosting the Grace Bros Red Carpet Cleaning Services Red Carpet this year, in association with Tyler Suzuki Swift and Our Jessica Mauboy. The best and worst dress awards are dished out to two of the four surviving members of Grinspoon. They look directly down the camera and with a tear-jerked show of gusto they mouth the words "dead cat". Three times.

Dappled Cities Fly are there also, well, the dapper, handsome one anyway. The other fella has been brought along in cardboard format, which we're later told during their acceptance speak for the Album Of The Year Award, is a metaphor for the tough "critical" analysis of their latest album and the fact the record "transcends the band's previously restrained two-dimensional qualities".

The red carpet portion of the evening runs overtime, as per usual. To make up for this blunder, this year's host, The Honourable Peter Garrett, is forced to make some tough policy decisions that aren't exactly in line with his own beliefs or his trademark hip gyrations.

Gotye wins the first award of the evening, Best Newcomer, for his acclaimed remix album which features some of the best YouTube videos ever digitally ripped and packaged onto a CD-R without permission. Birds of Tokyo accept the award on his behalf from their hotel suite in London. The band use the opportunity to reignite their long-standing beef with The Living End, taking several stabs at the band's frontman Chris Collonel. The camera cuts to Chris who looks bemused and elated.

Acclaimed fashion icon, Ella "Hoop Dreams" Hooper, presents the award of Best Rock Album to The Temper Trap. They beat out Eddy Current Suppression Ring, Bare Grillz and Royal Headache for the prize. During their acceptance speech they make an unprintable joke about rumours of Molly Meldrum's sexuality.

The Jezebels and The Rubens then perform a melody of their best songs, whilst Garrett playfully grapples 360 in a headlock. The crowd, increasingly becoming restless due to the poor goon selection, have now started congregating in the lobby where Urthboy and Plutonic are hosting an unregistered flip cup tournament.

Garrett, realising he's potentially lost the attention of the audience, calls his old mate Paul Kelly onto the stage. People uniformly flow back into the auditorium to hear some songs about what Australia was like before the wonders of the National Broadband System and the illustrious benefits of the mining tax. They then present the award for Best Blues & Roots Record. Gotye wins.

Matt Corby's younger brother, Chappelle, is presented with the Golden Boogie Board for the fifth consecutive year. Famed rapper Nicki Minogue is seen mouthing the words "would" as Corbz takes to the stage to accept the prize and unleash one of the finer acceptance speeches ever delivered, complete with complicated limericks, multi-facet metaphors and a true tenderness well beyond the Average Australia's understanding.

Gotye then wins Best Stage Presence, beating out Joel Madden, Ben Madden and "the cubby one" from One Direction.

During the traditional three hour mid-ceremony intermission, Indira Naidoo is inducted into the ARIA Hall Of Fame. The lavish presentation involves a multitude of acrobatic performances and hi-energy trance numbers. Naidoo, always humble in her acceptance of accolades, makes several controversial references to the government's lack of funding for nu-contemporary jazz and the fact the Federal Arts Program is currently taking legal action against Black Wire for the fact they allow people to drink longnecks on the pristine boardwalk of Parramatta Road. Garrett punches her in the face under the advisement of Prime Minister Rudd.

Falling back to his political roots, Garrett then employees the age-old Big Gun Strategy, bringing Sir Tina Arena on to the stage in an attempt to salvage whats left of the ceremony. A fourteen hour applause follows.

Tina presents the prize of Best Dubstep Album to DZ Deathrays, but retracts it once she realises theres been a misunderstanding and the band are just two wild cunts from the wilderness of Bundaberg, FNQ, Australia and not a UK-based bedroom producer. The award is subsequently handed to runner-up, Gotye.

Hilltop Hoods are then awarded the evening's most prestige prize — Best Urban Release, beating out John Butler, The Bamboos and Gotye. The throw their Adelaides in the area violently during the interpretive dance they choose to perform in place of a traditional speech. They also hold up a series of placards supporting the Adelaide Crows bid to be re-instated into the VFL competition. Drapht bum-rushes the stage at this point to tell everyone that: a) Port Adelaide man; b) he's here for the children; and c) he'd spent a fair bit of money on his outfit for the evening (a magnificent Port Adelaide one-piece tracksuit).

Tyler The Swifter, who was supposed to close out the evening with her trademark violently graphic horrorcore raps about losing her virginity, is unable to do so as she's been emotionally damaged by Drapht's polite stage invasion, as well as the fact he's now surely beating her for the Best Dressed accolade. Kiwi party DJ, P-Money, attempts to console (finger) Swift. He is rushed out by security when he's unable to produce his invitation.

Amidst all the chaos, back-up closing act, Kevin Bloody "Wilson", takes to the stage and plays a series of Gotye classics, including an unreleased b-side about his lust for cats. ARIA judges pencil it down as a clear favourite for the 2013 Best Song Award. SPOD is currently pursuing his legal options.

Filed Under
Articles
Aria Awards
Daryl Braithwaite
Drapht
Dappled Cities Fly
Gotye

 

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