Ten Things that would have made the Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg Coachella performance shitloads better
Some people (read: everyone in your Facebook Timeline) would say that yesterday's Dr. Dre vs Snoop Dogg set at Coachella was the greatest live spectacle since At The Drive-In ran out of money/progressive-rock-solos and decided to reform and play some more live shows. Some will say the legendary Grandpa's With Attitude set had it all — a Tupac Hologram, a retrospective of all of Nate Dogg's great musical moments (read: It Ain't No Fun), Wizzy Khalifa being stoned, Dre kicking off his Body By Dre muscle fitness marketing plan and Eminem yelling something more out-of-tune than 2012 Cedric Bixler-Zavala. Too soon.
But, if we're being really bloody honest with ourselves, there were plenty of ways the performance could have been improved...
1. More Holograms
There's no doubt that Holograms are the future of music in this post-Napster world. But simply bringing out a 2pac Hologram surely wasn't enough, especially amidst all of the rumours that Pacman is alive and well, hiding out somewhere in Samoa. For all we know that could have been The Real Mr Shakur and not some extra from The Wire lip-syncing in two-dimensional format, conveniently amnesia-ing over the whole Death Row vs Aftermath vs Suge Knight vs Dr. Dre court case/battle of 1996.
Personally, it would have been much better to see the set close with a montage of Holograms, featuring classic tracks from the Greatest Artists Of Our Time, mashed together by a Hologram'd Girl Talk. Eazy-E, Big L, Notorious Biggie Smalls, Georgey Harrison, Ringo Starr, Bob Geldoff, that dude that crashed his plane into the mountain, that dude that crashed his plane into the ocean, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot, Missy Higgins, Jimmy Morrison, Murray Rose, Les Murray, Rolf "Bloody" Harris, Kevin Wilson, Ron Wilson, Ron Howard, Eazy-E etc etc. All playing hits so classic that they're undoubtedly worthy of being resurrected back into life by a 14-year old South Korean whizz kid with a degree from M.I.T.
2. More Kendrick Lamar
It's time to pass the torch guys. Yeah, very funny Snoop, but that's not a torch and Whiz's had enough, he looks like he's about to green out any minute and start dry-humping that bald chick over there. Lamar should have had at least 20 minutes and/or 3 hours longer on stage.
3. If it was 1996 (it's not 1996)
Dre had his lyrics written out in front of him on a piece of cardboard in 96 point font, just in case he forgot the lyrics to Nuthin But A Nursey Rhyme Thang. Snoop's dermenture was playing up especially bad, thinking he was Bob Marley for a large portion of the set. These guys are really bloody old now. Sure, there's a deep-seeded lust of nostalgia in all of us, but just like watching your grandparents rein-act their first sexual encounter — shit got weird. Fast.
Seriously, what was she doing that was more important than answering Marshy Mathers' phone call about a possible Stan reunion performance.
I've been to just enough awkward bucks parties and reunion rap concert after-parties to know that there's nothing like a double-ended UK Brit pop songstress being hooved up a Trap to get gen-y weedheads to relax, unwind and forget that they're watching two seventy-five year old fellas play songs that were recorded before they were born.
5. If Dre wasn't so distractingly "swole"
Seriously, he looked like he'd carb-loaded on Marshall Mathers (circa 2003) for breakfast.*
Forgot about Dre?
6. Mobb Deep Tweet Beef
This performance will forever be overshadowed by the fact it occurred in the same week as the Infamous Tweef where @prodigy called @havoc a #faggot for going to a strip club without him. Dre and Snoop also failed to take the opportunity to program the Tupac Hologram to make a "Mobb Sheet" joke. A golden opportunity missed.
7. Less overall awkwardness
There were more than a few occasions during the performance where the 13-year old inside of me came out of my mouth and stuck his fingers in my ears to stop the pain. No pedo. Especially cringeworthy was that bit where Dre shouted "G-G-G-G-Unit" and the moment that immediately followed that, where Snoop attempted to name every single city on Earth. About 11 minutes in...
8. If they'd just put on Coke Boys 3
Yeah, it's just really bloody good. Do yourself a favour.
9. Dre should have released Detox
Perfect opportunity to shoot a little bit of Chinese democracy into the crowd. People won't hate it Dre, especially if you just fire free CDs and/or Napster download codes (too soon?) at them from high-powered cannons.
10. A cameo appearance from Suge "Fuck You" Knight
The future of rap doesn't lie in some Meme Star doing off-the-cuff lectures at NYU, but a 500 pound former linebacker hanging white rappers off a building by their ankles. The legendary Knight vs Vanilla Balcony Dangle re-enacted with Eminem playing Ice, and Knight as himself, thrusting Big Sugar back into the spotlight as the mogul of rap where he belongs.
* Purposely skipped the "you eat shit for breakfast joke", OK?