Login | Sign-Up

Polaroids Of Androids

Articles

Forty possible reasons why Lana Del Ray cancelled her Australian tour

I'm outraged and mortified that the Children Of The Internet are hassling D-Ray over her recent decision to cancel her Australian tour. Many insiders/offsiders/outsiders (and people eagerly awaiting the return of hit television program Insiders) have claimed that Lainer ripped up her Qantas plane tickets after Googling herself and realising she was at least 12% as popular as the Ugliest Kardashian, leading her to (incorrectly) believe that her scheduled Exclusive Industry Tastemaking Teaser Shows in Australia were now beneath her, and that she was just far too bloody Popular to be seen associated with the likes of Sydney Nolan and Princess Melbourne. You bunch of Negative Creeps! Shame Shame Shane.

So, after swiftly writing a letter to Robert Kardashian Junior assuring him he's pretty on the inside, the PoA staff decided to drink up at our local meeting hole, down a few No Worries and jot down a bunch of other perfectly plausible reasons why Lana has decided to "tentatively" "postpone" the shows.

  1. "Unprecedented international demand".
  2. The world has never before experienced such an indescribably large amount of pleas from numerous countries across the planet, begging for the assistance of Miss Ray Ray.
  3. Pending lawsuits against SNL for that skit.
  4. Pending class action lawsuit against SNL with Bubba Sparxxx, the Ba-ha Men and Shaggy over that skit.
  5. "Sound issues".
  6. To help improve my Google Search Results.
  7. To pursue her firey sexual relationship with Clams Casino.
  8. She's coming back for the AFL Grand Final instead and doing a Born To Run/Die mash-up with The Boss.
  9. She's coming back for the AFL Grand Final because she's a huge Dockers fan.
  10. She's coming back for the AFL POST-Grand Final Party because she's a huge fan of Docking.
  11. She's basking in the critical praise of her "beguiling, elegant debut album".
  12. To spend more time skipping through endless Slave Manicured poppy fields in the Americano Midwest, her joyous route spelling out the word "FREEDOM".
  13. Living Forever In The Moment.
  14. She's contracted Crabs Casino.
  15. She listened to the 2011 Hottest 100 and has Zero Respect for Australia.
  16. She is studying up on our customs. She really wants to Nail the obligiatory "what ya think of Oztralia, ya yanky galah?" airport question.
  17. She has no idea who Rolf Harris is and she thinks she should know before girting our seas.
  18. She's confused by the traditional custom of "girting".
  19. She has developed lung cancer from all the cigarettes she's casually holding in every single bloody press shot.
  20. Betty Draper murdered her for "jacking her steeze".
  21. Betty Draper murdered her for "jacking her Donald".
  22. Industry showcases aren't the correct avenue for Lana at the moment, she wants to focus on Television.
  23. And acting.
  24. Industry showcases are The Sellout's Path, she feels the cool ocean breeze off the Coast of Independence Island and Loves the way it feels through her Natural Hair.
  25. Taking Mushrooms and spending time with the mysteriously cosmic Universal, giving old boy Clam Clam a solid BMG.
  26. Sony.
  27. Let's just say she rolled the dice at Clammy Casino.
  28. And lost.
  29. Hep-C.
  30. Hep-CC.
  31. Something about New Jersey and Clams Casino and Atlantic City and Boardwalk Empire.
  32. A Clameo appearance on a certain Martin Scorsese television program has been rumoured.
  33. She only needs one more gold coin and she's onto the level where Bowser shoots miniature pitchforks out of his vagina.
  34. She's decided to perform at Juggapolooza 2012 instead.
  35. One word — Sparkle Rope Jump Queen Revival Project
  36. Featuring Common Sense.
  37. And Bubba Sparxxx.
  38. And Crazy Town.
  39. She's outraged that Australia isn't producing great International music like, say, Canada.
  40. She doesn't feel she can compete for attention with AQUA 2012 NATIONAL TOUR adding more and more shows and gaining more and more momentum every millisecond.

Filed Under
Articles
Lana Del Rey

 

You'll Probly Like This Stuff Too

 

Comments

Rav

I'm sooo sick of reading about Insiders. Offsiders is where it's at.

Can't believe you used 'docking' in this article.

Actually, yes I can.

AQUA 4 LYF.

2 years ago

Jonny Yes Yes

i can't believe i/you labeled it an 'article'

2 years ago

Rav

Maybe you should add a 'LOL' or 'ROFL' or 'LANA' drop down menu?

2 years ago

Royal Milkshake

You failed to mention Royal Headache at any point in this article. Please tend to this glaring oversight immediately. Other than that, pretty funny.

2 years ago

natv

I never got to that vagina-pitchfork-weapon level, damn.

She might also have Clam-mydia.

2 years ago

Tex

#41 - Because Polaroids Of Androids writers can't spell her name.

Bam.

2 years ago

Jonny Yes Yes

*boom

2 years ago

Tex

But seriously folks, the fact that she's shite aside - would ya?

2 years ago

Comments are currently closed because Spam Bots ruin everything.